Art of Living
Keys to the Kingdom:
Creating Powerful Relationships Between Men and Women
by Leanne Tibiatowski
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Creating peace in the world can seem out of reach these days with the disharmony, violence and battles so often present in our families, communities and countries. Where do we begin and how can the actions of one impact many? When contemplating how to be a peacemaker in the world a powerful starting point is to look within. Even more profound is choosing to explore how we act and react in life, opening to new ways of being and thinking that may produce different results in our lives.
Recently I spent time discussing concepts of identity with Alison Armstrong of PAX, an organization whose main intention lives within the company's name–pax is the Latin word for peace. Armstrong has spent the last sixteen years researching, studying and teaching others about the identity we create, the characteristics of gender, along with the relationships we have with each other. Specifically, she has taken her studies and observations of men and created a model for communication that is as tangible as holding the key to a door. In fact, she calls these observations and tools “Keys to the Kingdom.” I have experienced and put into action some of these “keys.” The process is exciting, empowering, simple and effective.
What sets her model apart from others is the inviting picture she paints as she describes the journey of life for a man. This structure rolls us back to medieval times, to an era where chivalry, honor and courage ruled the land. For each milestone or stage in this process, a man is given a title that signifies the specific developmental era: the young and eager to perform “paige”, the adventurous journey of the “knight”, followed by a time of building his kingdom as a “prince”, and then the reign of “king.” Armstrong invites men and women to really learn and embrace who they naturally are–and through this increased understanding she offers a path to peaceful and satisfying relationships between men and women, in business, families, friendships and romances.
Vision Magazine: When considering our identity in terms of gender, we get to look at our inherent characteristics as well as learned ways of being. How do those two elements impact our experience with the relationships we have with ourselves and those of the opposite sex?
Alison Armstrong: We receive such mixed messages in our culture. What is difficult about being a woman these days is that we are hit with the concept that it is not supposed to matter that we are women. This creates a conflict within the deepest sense of a woman–that she is different and that it does matter that she is a woman. We try to deny that gender makes any difference but it is so much a part of who we are as human beings. It is the first question asked when a child is born and one of the first questions asked when a woman says she is pregnant–is it a girl or a boy? Then add on the impact of women in the workplace, which is a masculine paradigm that thrives on the masculine tendency of producing results and being self-sufficient.
We, as the adapters of our species, have transformed into great results-producers and we have come to identify with this more self-sufficient, independent way of being, moving us away from the dependency based relationships of the past. However, we have created a new paradigm that leaves many women missing their femininity. It (femininity) is like this protected place inside them that they wish they could bring out more, although [often] the collective undercurrent is the thought that all things feminine are weak. Then we attempt to apply this masculine way of being to our romantic relationships and it becomes very confusing and often ineffective. We find ourselves longing for partnership and needing men to create a family–so we are striving to be independent, self-sufficient results-producers while at the same time we find ourselves needing that which our culture has trained us [to think] we don't need.
VM: In your workshops and your book Keys to the Kingdom, you offer concepts that really make sense and tools that are very tangible–ones that seem to produce immediate results, all coming from a place that celebrates and honors the beauty of understanding each other.
AA: Actually I have found that what is possible in [our] relationships is actually better and more than what we are hoping for. Our dreams really can come true just by understanding how much men and women are alike. We are amazingly alike in our core values, but we have to be clear in our understanding that we express them in such wildly different ways. Sometimes these different ways seem so drastically different that it appears almost unrecognizable that they are the same values.
VM: In Keys to the Kingdom your core teaching is based upon the stages of development of a man's identity. You state that this represents the process of how a man's identity unfolds and develops over the course of his lifetime. You also suggest that by acknowledging this process and adapting our communication style to the stages we can increase our ability to interact in a way that has satisfying results for everyone. You say it is most powerful to change our understanding of each other versus attempting to change ourselves or each other. I think this is a very merciful perspective.
AA: It is a point of view that is based on the idea that there is nothing wrong with men and nothing wrong with women. When we get that we can begin to honor our identities and then make [the] space to see what we can learn from the masculine and the feminine. I have learned that we are designed to be teachers and models for each other as we bring together the duality of human nature between the genders. Instead, what happens most often is that we make each other wrong for not being what we are, missing the realization that this difference is the gift of the opposite sex. A gift that guides, models, and teaches us gently and kindly to embrace the part of ourselves that is not natural. The idea is that we can contribute to each other, because what is the point of a partnership if you both bring the same strengths? We were never supposed to have the same strengths–those are the gifts we have for each other. Our failure is most often in our understanding of each other, not in our design; the design is exquisite. What is amazing to me is that I started studying men and women from a very anthropological, evolutionary point of view. The last thing I expected to find was something divine in the way that we are–but I did.
VM: What I am receiving from your work is an invitation to proactively make a shift of perception. The choice to look at who we are takes courage. What are your thoughts on the journey of transformation?
AA: I am reminded of the quote from a Marianne Williamson poem that begins, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” I believe that the real marvel of the transformational path is how it is often much harder to come to terms with how great we are, how powerful we are, more so than looking at what is wrong with us. In terms of my work, our goal is to teach others tools for assuming control and power over their lives. And that is what takes courage: being willing to be powerful, willing to have things actually go the way you intended. It is stunning the impact that being self-responsible can have on our lives.
VM: What are your closing thoughts on identity and the relationship we have to ourselves and each other?
AA: The term I like to use is “pragmatic visionary.” I have been that way ever since I was a child. I was called an idealist, ridiculous, crazy and unrealistic. It takes courage to see that something is possible and to pursue it when seemingly all of the evidence and everyone else believes the opposite. Especially in a culture that says there is something wrong with us, we are broken and need to get fixed. What I see is that we are more like a Ferrari. We are sexy, fast, capable, and amazing. Our only problem is that we just don't understand how we work. We think we are old broken down jalopies, when really we just don't know how the car works or where to put the key. So when we do tap into our courage, we can find a way where the evidence supports a different view and the results are very forthcoming. With the right understanding and some tools we don't have to go long without being assured we are on the right path.
What Armstrong offers in her teachings is possibility–for increased peace and joy in this lifetime. To access the treasures of her model you can read her book Keys to the Kingdom. She also offers life-changing workshops through her company PAX. For a schedule of events go to www.celebratingmen.com.
A Fortunate Discovery:
The Primal Salt Crystal Lamp
by Zana Licht
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At one time or another, we've all made fortunate discoveries by accident. For me, it was simply opening a box to restock the shelves of my gallery. In that box I saw something I had never before encountered in working with over 5,000 salt crystal lamps.
One lamp struck me with surprise. Its high concentration of minerals made the color deeper than anything I'd ever seen. As beautiful as it was, I figured it wouldn't shed enough light when lit, so I picked it up to store it away.
As I carried it, a strong sense of being supported and fully present came to me. I felt connected to the earth in a way I had never felt before. I plugged the lamp in and turned it on. I was thrilled to discover that it did, in fact, illuminate! From its core came a radiant glow of beautifully empowering hues. Needless to say, I saved that salt crystal lamp.
But rather than sell it, I wanted to allow those who felt drawn to it to borrow it for a time. In return, these people told me of their experiences. All their stories shared a common occurrence: This particular color of salt crystal, deeply rooted in strengthening vivid reds and comforting earth tones, nurtures a sense of grounding that we need in our lives.
Today many people who are on a spiritual quest often neglect their lives on this Earth plane. We can best be served by spending time in a meditative state and accessing a higher knowledge if we can actually ground that energy and put it to use in our daily lives. In this way, we have the awareness and the strength to manifest conscious desires that support our sense of self.
The people who placed the Primal Salt Crystal Lamp in their environment experienced just that. They had more fulfilling physical lives and increased life force. They felt stronger and more focused. And they all attributed it to the lamp.
The demand to borrow this lamp outgrew my capacity to answer it. People called the gallery daily. Waiting lists were created. It didn't take long to realize I needed more of these incredible lamps. But how could I do this? I didn't know if an order for this color of lamp was possible. After all, I had never seen such a lamp before!
But because of my unique relationship with these lamps, my passionate desire to bring them to you and my strong sense of will and focus, I finally found a source. It was not easy. It took a long, costly year and half. But it was worth it. I have gathered a very limited quantity of these amazing Primal Salt Crystal Lamps at my gallery and they are available now.
The Primal Salt Crystal Lamp's unique array of deeply rooting colors have helped people experience greater joy in their human experience in ways never felt before. What will they do for you?
Zana Licht is the owner of Illume Gallery, the largest salt crystal store in California. To learn how to get a rare Primal Salt Crystal Lamp call her at 619/230-1025, visit her store today at 314 G Street, San Diego, CA 92101 or choose your own at her new online gallery: www.illumegallery.biz.