Back to August 2007
LifeQuake™ – August 2007
Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor
Dr. Toni Galardi
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Dear Dr. Toni,
I just spent another miserable holiday with my parents and siblings. I'm forty years old, female and single with no kids. My parents keep asking me when I am going to get married, settle down and have a family of my own. It's getting to the point that I don't want to spend my holidays with them. And it doesn't help to ask them to back off. How do I tell them I don't want to see them on holidays? I really want this past 4th of July to be my independence day, but I don't know how. –Judy
Dear Judy:
What do you do when your family doesn't feel like family? In my office over the years, I have heard many a patient express pain and disappointment that they didn't get the Norman Rockwell picture of folks. Truth be told, given the breakdown of the nuclear family over the last forty years, few people did. So what's the silver lining here? Perhaps we are being pushed to engage in a more expansive understanding of the word family — and I don't mean just including friends and community into your definition. What if the key to a healthy relationship with all your family members, biological and extended, is the relationship you develop with your inner family? There are archetypes called the Divine Mother, Spirit Father, and Wholly Child we can access when we need comfort, guidance, and playfulness in the midst of a stressed out life. The more we access these healthy parts of ourselves, the more the old programming from our families — such as the unavailable father, the judgmental mother, and the rebellious child — do not play as big a role in sabotaging us.
For an activity, I would encourage you to buy a blank book or journal and just as though you were writing a script, write a dialogue. Begin by placing your name on the page with a colon. For example:
Judy: Divine Mother, what do I need to know to feel okay about being 40 and single?
Divine Mother): Take a breath, Judy. Now, another one. Put your hands over your heart and send love to the inner voice of your critical mother. If you can visualize her in your heart, surround her in pink light and allow her to change form. She may get younger or softer. Just keep bathing her in pink light until you feel a shift. Now do the same thing with your father. Take your time. Now imagine you are at a family function, only this time you feel at peace with yourself as you are, and you do not feel judged by anyone. There is harmony."
How do you feel about visiting your family now? If there is still resistance, perhaps the reason is not just that you feel judged by them. Maybe you want the option to decide to spend it with friends or alone sometimes. If you were married you would have the excuse of alternating holidays with your in-laws, so give this option to yourself and see if your visits home change when they are less obligatory. When you practice turning within and listening to the wisdom of your inner family, you will feel a natural Independence Day, every day.
Dear Dr. Toni,
I am the sole caregiver of my aging mother who is experiencing the very beginning stages of dementia. For safety reasons, my family and I have moved her into a retirement community in North County from the home where she lived for many years in another part of the state. Ever since this change, my life has been a roller coaster. I am always feeling guilty about not doing "enough" for her. This feeling is compounded by her actions. If only a day goes by that I don't visit her, she feels that I am neglecting her and tells me about it. I know that she is lonely and I want to provide for her as best as I can, but I feel that I also need to take care of my needs. How can I balance my life to do both, or is it totally impossible? –A Good Daughter, San Diego, CA.
Dear G.D.:
It sounds like your “good daughtering” has resulted in an imbalance in good mothering yourself. You mention that your family and you have moved her into this retirement community. Where is everyone else in this equation? Assuming they are far away, let's look at this from the inside out. Whose script are you following? Because of her condition, she can't see beyond her own desires. Therefore, you have to set appropriate boundaries and unhook from the beliefs that are driving your guilt. Also, your mother's expectation that you visit every day robs her of the opportunity to learn to be with herself. Part of what can slow the progression of dementia is mental stimulation such as reading, listening to audio books or being with others. You say it's a retirement community. I would invest some time finding out what kind of activities your mother can get involved in and going with her to some of them at the beginning in order to introduce her to other people. If she refuses to go or participate, then it's time to have a really soulful talk with her. It doesn't serve her to have you as her only contact with the world.
As I mentioned above with Judy, unhook from your old programs through dialoging with your inner divine mother. Ask "Is it in my highest good to go today?" If it is, it will be so for her too. Good luck, G.D. You have been given a great spiritual lesson: being in service does not mean being servile.
To submit questions for Ask the LifeQuake™ Doctor, contact Dr. Ton Galardi at DrToni@LifeQuake.net (no period after the Dr). For those seeking private consultation, Dr. Toni can be reached at 310-712-2600 or through www.LifeQuake.net .