Back to August 2007
Mind States – August 2007
Shifting Family Paradigms-
She's Still My Child
by Elizabeth H. Florio
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Imagine a teenage girl so consumed with fear, guilt and uncertainty that she can't articulate her thoughts and she won't confide in her parents. Her eyes are deep and wounded. Her skin is sallow. Her eyes — dull. Is this the story of an anorexic, a bulimic, or a drug user? No, it isn't.
Now imagine a teenage boy who is so sure that something is wrong with him that he wants to “take himself out” because it's easier than facing what he is and what his parent will think. Is this the story of a depressive or a gang member? No, it isn't.
Who are these children who feel so conflicted about themselves that they live in silence and shame? They're gay. And, they're struggling to understand what that means. They're living in a reality of intense self-questioning, self-evaluation and self-scrutiny in a world of incredible prejudice and judgment. And they need our help.
Few studies claim to gather a full and accurate picture on being gay due to the challenges of gathering the data. However, statistics on the U.S. Government's Health and Human Services website state that, “It has been widely reported that gay and lesbian youth are two to three times more likely to commit suicide than other youth and that 30 percent of all attempted or completed youth suicides are related to issues of sexual identity.”
This is an appalling percentage of young people who are not receiving the support of parents, friends, and extended family members they need. They need adults mature and loving enough to climb out from behind their judgment (and some cases, disappointment) to accept and love them anyway.
As a parent of a gay child, I faced such a choice seven years ago. Would I embrace my daughter's emerging identity or would I, like so many other parents, reject or squelch her feelings and expression? Would I walk forward with her through her burgeoning emotions or turn my back on her? For me, there was never any question. The girl sitting in front of me saying she was gay, whom I had helped to raise, was still my child. She was still the same incredible person I had watched, with great awe and love, go from baby to near adult.
Yes, my wonderful, articulate, and intelligent daughter is lesbian. When she came out to me at 13, I was surprised but not upset by it. I felt proud that she trusted me enough to share such a pivotal and private part of her life. Our talk was a golden moment of lovely intimacy and softness. Of course, I was curious about her emerging selfhood and wanted to understand. I naturally had questions, but because we have such a strong emotional bond, I accepted her. I didn't (and don't) take her choice personal and have never viewed her sexuality as something “wrong” with her.
Sadly, this wasn't the reaction from her stepmother and father. They were horrified about her revelation and put tremendous pressure on her to be more “feminine.” They also took her lifestyle personally and worried about how it made them look to others. Their reaction caused a great deal of pain and added pressure to my girl's life.
When parents react poorly to the news that their child is gay, it causes untold amounts of emotional damage and stress. It's harmful for parents to reject their children for any reason, but because gay people are so often stigmatized and discriminated against in the larger community, parental rejection is especially damaging.
Parents hold such influence and control over their kids' happiness. If anything gets in the way of your ability to openly love and accept your child, that thing is suspect — whether it's a religion, a relationship, or an opinion. It's vital for the health of humanity and the planet that we teach our children how to love and accept themselves.
We must show kids how to stand up for themselves as well. We must nurture in them an appreciation for and a connection to their surroundings and their spirits. We can't do this if our faith, friends, or family tell us that feelings are wrong. This is not to say that parents should accept a child's lifestyle if it includes dangerous or hurtful behavior. When it comes to issues of the heart, however, we have to hear our kids. We have to try and understand them and become bigger than our prejudices or worries. They need us and rely on our direction. They crave our acceptance and attention. They deserve our love no matter how they feel or whom they love.
Besides, isn't it about time that we as a species learn to accept ourselves and others? Isn't a positive and loving reality better than one that perpetuates violence, war, and division? We all deserve a new family paradigm. And this paradigm must include love, whatever the source.
Elizabeth H. Florio-Casey is a published writer living in Ferndale, California with her husband, Craig Casey, a composer. Her book of poems, Breaking the Sacred, was published in 1999. She currently runs a successful writing business–ButterFat Publishing & Writing Services, Inc. She can be reached at liz@butterfatdp.com
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
http://www.familypride.org (Family Pride)
http://www.ilga.org (International Gay and Lesbian)
http://www.thetaskforce.org (Parents of Jewish Gays and Lesbians)
http://www.glaad.org (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation)