The Living Arts
The Shadows Of Sexuality
by Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD
In a society with an inclination to plaster sexual images everywhere, sex is still very much in the shadows. Sexuality is often laden with shame, embarrassment, guilt, judgment, and stigma, so its shadows can be heavy and frightening. It is imperative to address the shadows of sex to see it is a natural human experience, as well as a powerful force. When such a topic is mired in silence and misconceptions, it can lead to many personal and societal problems, such as abuse and exploitation. The politicians and religious leaders brought down by public sex scandals are perfect examples of individuals whose shadow elements have surfaced in unhealthy ways.
The shadow aspects of our sexuality are those parts of ourselves we dislike, judge harshly, or deny. To find your own examples, reflect on whether any of these experiences trigger your defenses: having had an abortion, being a closeted gay man, childhood molestation by a family member, shame about a college rape, a herpes diagnosis, the inability to orgasm, early ejaculation, dislike of body parts, being called a slut, being called a prude, feeling inadequate in bed, or having shameful sexual fantasies. Do any of these experiences strike a cord?
The causes of shadowed sexuality are abundant. Growing up in the U.S., we receive many mixed and negative messages about sex through our families, peers, religion, schools, the media, and the government. My “favorite” ambiguous message is “sex is a dirty thing you save for someone you love.” It is no surprise that there is so much fear, discomfort, and denial associated with sex. But denial of what we fear does not make it disappear. As the holistic adage declares, “what we resist, persists.”
I recently met with a male client who expressed his simultaneous desire to date and fear of intimacy. We delved into the shadow aspects of how he perceives himself in dating and sexual relationships. His self-judgment and relentless comparisons to the perceived superiority of other males left little room for compassion, authenticity, or appreciation of himself. Therefore, he unwittingly put up roadblocks that kept him out of the dating arena. The fears that created his shadows attracted more circumstances which fed his anxieties and added to the weight of his albatross.
There are many healthy ways to explore this topic and relieve ourselves of this burden. As with any shadow, once we shed light on it, it cannot exist. When I work with individuals and couples, I am always encouraging them to “dig at their stuff.” I ask them what pushes their buttons. A probing question I like to inquire of women is, “what are five words, characteristics, or labels about being a sexual woman that someone could say to hurt you?” Or put another way, “What, in someone else’s expression of sexuality, would you find distasteful, wrong, or inappropriate?” Whore? Prude? Hairy? Smelly? Gay? Too fat? Too thin? Selfish, messy, inadequate, boring, controlling, incompetent? I ask what stings, and whether they are willing to take it on. Once they choose their words, I repeat them back by saying, for example, “You are inadequate in bed.” They then respond, “I am inadequate in bed.” We go back and forth until the word loses its sting. Quite the opposite of positive affirmations, this is a technique from Debbie Ford’s The Dark Side of the Light Chasers that allows us to own, instead of run from, society’s harsh sexual labels and judgments. Once we embrace a characteristic, it loses its power to harm us, and we realize that it is just a word imposed on us from the outside.
Another technique I use specifically with couples to help them open to their shadows is the act of eye-gazing. This seemingly simple activity of looking into a partner’s eyes for a few minutes is incredibly uncomfortable for many couples, even for those who have been married for many years. It makes people feel exposed and vulnerable. Couples have shared that they are scared to be seen for exactly who they are, shadows and all, because in that state of vulnerability they could be rejected. The reward of vulnerability, however, is the immense power in trust and the freedom in surrendering. When we can approach ourselves with compassion and open a space for forgiveness, we can then allow someone else into that space with us. It is so comforting when we are not alone with our shadows.
The beauty of digging at our stuff is that shadows are actually gifts. There are always admirable qualities within the pain. If you believe that you have been “too sexual” in your past, embrace the bundle of your experiences, including learning what does or doesn’t give you pleasure. When we dig at our shadows, shine light on them, embrace them, and accept them as part of our whole being, positive and negative, they lose their power. Instead of shutting down vital parts of who we are, we become integrated and balanced and can therefore begin to make healthy choices around our sexuality.
Our sexuality is tied to a powerful life force, and I think it is the fear of this power that creates the multitude of shadows. Certainly we want to protect ourselves and others from sexual abuse and exploitation. But so much consensual sexual activity between adults is also condemned. Until each of us takes the bold steps necessary to dig at our shadows, our fears rule us and we continue to control and condemn the behavior of others. We can use the knowledge of our shadows as a gift to learn about our inner desires, be open to the power of our sexual nature, and move beyond fear and repression. Shining a light on these shadows can bring holistic balance to our lives as sexual beings. We can then embrace the best parts of being human: pleasure, connection, and the deep love of self and others.